How I Help People Be You-ier
Figure out what your one-of-a-kind life is actually for
Stop editing yourself before you speak
Live a life you'd still pick if you got to pick again
The problem:
Maybe you're tired of saying yes when you mean no. Editing yourself before you speak. Texting "no worries!!" when there are, in fact, worries.
Researchers have a name for what's quietly exhausting you: surface acting.
They came up with the term after studying flight attendants who had to fake what they felt all day. Smile when they didn't mean it. Soften their tone. Perform a more palatable version of themselves.
Those flight attendants ended up significantly more exhausted than their colleagues working identical hours… because they were spending so much time faking a persona.
Unfortunately in today’s world, surface acting is no longer just for flight attendants. It happens in your 10am meetings. At holiday dinners. In every "I'm fine, how are you?"
So if you’re feeling stressed and depressed, you might not have a burnout problem. You might have an authenticity problem.
Who I work with:
People in midlife. Or midcareer change. Or people who got really good at a life that wasn’t really for them… and now they want to start something new.
Some are writers. Some are executives, lawyers, doctors, founders, or creative people who want to more fully express themselves through their talents.
Many of my clients are winning on paper. They just feel like something’s “off.”
A lot of the time they’re experiencing what’s called self-alienation.
This is a term used by researchers Alex Wood and Stephen Joseph that describes the uncomfortable experience of becoming a stranger to yourself.
Wood and Joseph chose the word alienation on purpose. An alien is someone foreign. Someone who doesn't belong. Someone you don't recognize.
They were pointing at something specific: the longer you spend performing a version of yourself that isn't really you, the more your actual self starts to feel like a foreigner in your own life.
You stop recognizing what you want. You stop trusting what you feel. The real you becomes the alien.
And here's the brutal part. Self-alienation is the single strongest predictor of depression and anxiety.
Stronger than trauma, stress & loneliness.
Translation: the most exhausting thing a person can do is spend years not being their true selves.
The work & results:
Two of the top regrets of the dying are: I wish I had expressed myself more. And: I wish I had lived truer to myself. So if you want to live a more meaningful life, you need to be you-ier.
I help you discover what your one-of-a-kind life is actually for & aim you in that direction with a do-able plan in hand.
I offer one-on-one You-ier Methodology Coaching in packages of 3, 6, or 12 months.
Together we figure out where you've been shrinking, what stopped you from speaking up… and why.
My philosophy and tools come from 30 years studying ancient wisdom (think Aristotle, Jung, and Kierkegaard) and modern psychology (think Martin Seligman, Adam Grant, and Robert Waldinger).
Plus frankly… from readingan excessive number of research studies.
In particular, I'm a huge fan of the research from Edward Deci and Richard Ryan on Self-Determination Theory. Their studies show that people need autonomy to flourish. As a result, people who chase goals that aren't truly theirs can wind up miserable… even if they win.
Researcher Kennon Sheldon agrees. He found that when your goals feel "self-chosen," you flourish. But when they come from "shoulds and supposed-tos," you burn out.
My coaching methods empower you to embrace your autonomy, so you can figure out what's yours, cut the rest, and build a life around what's left.
I help you to become "you-ier critical thinker," better equipped to handle whatever life sends next.